For most of my life I felt invisible to women. Three women in my entire life prior to age 26 showed an interested in me. This includes:
- A 400 pound woman from AdultFriendFinder who would encourage her 50 something male partner to insert metal objects into his urethra
- A 16 year old girl from Norway who I met while spending hours on Omegle trying to attract women at age 18. I did not pursue her romantically/sexually because of her age (although boy did she want me to break the law and persue her).
- A 38? year old woman with a family who stopped responding to my emails once I pushed her away for getting distant if I did not want to be sexual with her at the *exact times* she wanted to and for expecting me to express masculinity (which I do not possess),
For at least ten years of my adult life, that was the extent of positive interactions with non-paid, non-family women. IE not a hairdresser, teacher etc.. By that point I had sent maybe 300-400 messages to women on digital love-letter sites, now the primary mode of dating in the 2010s. (which is what dating sites are, people like to downplay this to gaslight incels).
In summary, the main feedback from women had been mostly negative or neutral most of my life.
Many say inceldom is only about shyness
As one common criticism of incels is:
Incels do not try hard enough in social situations
And this is probably true.
Is it because
- women ask for too much?
- because women are too shy by nature? or that
- shy men have a personality flaw?
Well that is dependent on who you ask, as all of those opinions can be logically argued, depending on one’s value system.
However, it is definitely the case that one cannot blame shyness or other personality traits entirely for inceldom, as most long-term social situations seem to be a matter of circumstance. For the most part, you do not choose your location, school, etc until you find a full time job. Then once you find a full time job, it is usually your only option. That I grew up in a social environment where sex and masturbation was disallowed and a country that is more or less ok with penis being deemed cheap and threatening, it is not much of a surprise that I ended up incel.
I never was encouraged to find a mate. I was never given a societally approved avenue to date, or was made to feel validated for being a sexual being. Quite the opposite. Most of my high-school classmates either ignored me, told me I would end up homeless, and/or that I would not find a girlfriend. This is hardly instilling confidence in someone who most people seemed to think needed a girlfriend. So, in true neo-liberal American fashion, no real help was available to me. The only exception was one girl who fucked every dude in a group therapy I went to, except for me, and then offered to be my wing girl in a bar instead.
Am I special?
No… There are millions of men like me out there. Most of them have given up on their genes having meaning, either after they are dead, or now. Most of these men seem to cope with video games or esoteric subject matter (nerds). The incels who complain are the ones who are the most sexually frustrated, however not all incels are sexually frustrated. The ones who were the most sexually frustrated, such as myself, probably went through a period of their lives very much desiring a relationship, but not finding a means to achieve it. It is not just wanting a partner and not being able to find one that makes self-identified incels disgusted with their situation. It is the magnitude in the difference between effort and outcome that produces a self-identified incel.
As of today, I do not particularly want a relationship. I want women to want me occasionally, but being incel is not my biggest problem at this point in my life. Other, larger problems have arisen as a result of past inceldom (and other problems). I only hope this blog will be something to defend men who went through something like I did when I was in my early twenties. And I hope this blog can help women understand men more and treat them with more compassion in the social (including sexual) realm.
Let us hope the “Years of Male Tears” are no longer celebrated, and that men sharing their feelings about sexuality becomes no longer taboo.
There does seem to be some hope on the horizon.
More women are interested in men who report low levels of sexual success. You can see this through the media reporting on incels and the comments of various websites/vlogs/blogs by self-identified incels. It my simply be hybristophilliac impulse on the part of women to show this new interest. The false media narrative about incels being a hotbed of violence has women interested. And so self-identified incels now have a bad-boy image, which is an inherently masculine image. Self-identifying as incel is an accidental step for many involuntary virgins into the realm of punk-like aesthetics (4chan culture), risky social taboos, and the (unintentional) image of manliness. If self-identified incels were to simply call themselves virgins, no one would care.